Holidays....

I absolutely hate holidays..... New Years, my birthday (I'm aware it isn't a holiday, but I hate it anyways), valentine's day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and I guess Halloween too..... St. Patty's day and 4th of July aren't so bad as that isn't a "family" oriented holiday. It just reminds me of how alone I am. Yeah I have my family that always celebrates, but I get really lonely. Everyone in my family has someone but me..... and then, they go to their respective peoples parents, and I'm stuck with a family that I don't really feel comfortable with. I just don't really fit in there. I was like 5 when I was introduced into that family, but I still feel uneasy.... I like the holidays for food and presents, and the lack of school... period... that's it..... I like family time, when the time is split between my siblings.... I don't really like spending time with all of them together..... It always ends with someone in tears, most often me..... They don't do it on purpose.... hell they might not even know that they do it...... but it happens..... so... to reiterate... I hate the holidays.....

I've been cured.....

of my completely utterly ridiculous obsession with love..... It really doesn't exist.... its just really convenience...... someone to help pay the pills.... someone to keep you warm at night..... someone to raise the kids when your off sleeping with someone else...... yep.... total and utter convenience..... Love has just gone out the windows with santa claus and magic and unicorns...... dragons and my happiness too...... things of fairy tales..... myths and ledgends...... If people thought I was pessimistic before..... there is a whole new can of worms that has just been opened...... good thing its next to the alcoholic beverages..... because that is the only way I'm making it through life......

Nine performances later.....

Camelot.... was amazing..... I met the most wonderful people.... and a few people who were not nice and most likely compulsive liars..... ok just one..... We had strike today..... which means we took apart the set and put everything away..... We were discussing what play to do in spring, and I'm thinking a lot of the same cast will try out..... I may ask to be stage manager instead of actually being in the play... I'm not a terribly good actress..... and it seems I am doomed to get a cold whenever I need to perform something..... I'm hoping it is gone by friday, as I have a choir concert! O well... anyways.... Camelot pulled in almost completely full houses, actually having to add another show time.... So.... in total we had 9 performances.... and I'm sad it has to be done.... I don't see a lot of these people outside of the play.... Sure some are in choir, but I'm actually going to have to make an effort to see them! I hate efforts! oh well..... But I guess I need to do some resting..... as I have this ridiculous cold.... cough, runny and stuffy nose, sneezing, and scratchy throat.... boo......

I wish it was 1993 again....

Last week.... or maybe it was two weeks ago.... I don't know..... A few people from the Camelot cast were talking and old TV shows came up.... I started talking about this show that I absolutely loved..... Princess Gwenevere and the jewel riders.... I saw it exactly 2 times, but I was so enthralled with it that I remember the theme song (well a part of it anyways).... Everyone thought it was funny that I knew that over fraggle rock..... I could have sworn up and down that I had never seen a fraggle rock episode in my life..... but then, tonight on Adult Swim, Robot Chicken did a Fraggle Rock/Watership Down sketch..... and the fraggle rock stuff looked really familiar..... so I youtubed it.... and it looked WAY familiar.... so I assume now that I've seen an episode, just didn't find it that great....so I started youtubing all the old theme songs to shows I used to watch.... care bears, rainbow brite, princess gwenevere (et al.), she ra, fraggle rock, mighty max..... it made me wish that is all i had to worry about was if max was going to escape the danger...... I remember laying in my mom's bed, in the morning before school, drinking hot chocolate watching mighty max..... boooooooo adult life.....

it snowed... .and it didn't go away

My shoes are wet.... soaked wet.... because last night while it stormed like mad and knocked my power out, more than once, it got cold enough to turn the rain to snow. So I got up and dinked around today.... around noon, maybe closer to one.... i look walked by my window.... it was a little colder than usual.... hmmm.... it kinda feels like there is snow outside.... lo and behold I look out and its an ugly white.... it stayed too.... its still an ugly white as i post at 1 am..... I'm annoyed at this.... because last year, after it snowed, it stayed until may.... MAY! I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH SNOW FOR 7.... THATS SEVEN.... MONTHS! ok well its probably more along the lines of 6 as the snow melted in EARLY may.... but still.... thats just not fair.... after it rains for a week straight, we get one afternoon of sunshine and it snows that night! wow.... and all weatherbug ever says is non-precipitation advisory.... weatherbug is poo..... anyways.... getting along to the reason for this posting...... I'm feeling like crap.... my self-esteem is about as low as it can get right now..... I'm feeling like such a failure, like the ugliest person on the planet, like no one will ever like me..... I know part of this is due to the person that I'm comparing too...... I know I'm a better person than her, but there is some stuff that I don't understand that makes me feel horrible..... and the jerk that i'm madly in love with isn't helping either.... in fact.... the female that i'm comparing with is the reason the one i'm madly in love with is a jerk..... I fell in love with one person, and he has completely changed..... Everyone always tells me don't let people change who you are..... him mostly..... but i hate how hypocritical people are.... I know i do it too.... but..... you were fine after 6 years of her, plus on and off 2 years..... and one more changed you? Thats not right.... so here i sit...... feeling like less than adequate..... and I'm not the one who has abandoned their family, sold themselves for money..... Not the person who has two separate lives to lead..... I know a lot of people reading this will be confused, but thats a good place for you to be..... the only person I want to talk to about this right now is my sister..... so.... sister, call me whenever you have some time to talk....

oh hell.....

I've got the musical on my brain.... all day everyday.... I feel like I should be in working on costumes right now.... in fact I feel GUILTY!.... Then I'm looking around on the internet, and a commercial for something Elmo comes onto the TV and the theme song is CAMELOT! .... obviously with different words.... but still .... i have no idea if it actually was.... but it sure sounded like it..... and now i'm watching "A Knight's Tale".... and i've realized that that the lead in our play (Arthur) kinda has Heath Ledger eyes.... hes actually really cute.... complete with braces (all together now, awwwww).... yeah.... I'm completely avoiding my nursing homework, which is bad.... but i'm super worried about the play.... the director keeps changing movements and nobody knows it! I learned on friday that they really didn't cut the scene with my speaking parts in it, needless to say I had no idea what was happening..... all of a sudden people are screaming "Lady Anne!"... so I run out and I'm like what? I have to speak? what? and one part that I play doesn't even have a costume made yet! the fabric isn't even in yet! We haven't practiced with any costumes on.... first performance is thursday morning .... with us needing to be there at 8 in the morning..... we haven't had a practice where everyone in the cast has been there..... to date..... I'm hoping everyone will be there today.... but who knows..... I've sang my solo (4 lines) more than the girl who got the part I originally wanted (an entire song of solo).... and its pissing me off royally! It should be mine.... but there was some shady business conducted and its hers.... so..... yeah.... if she is ill, I can fill in for her.... I know the words haha...... anyways.... I'm going to go goof off some more, send some emails.... and what not....

boring.....

so... I know I told you I would catch you all up on whats happening.... but.... Really there hasn't been anything!..... The play is taking up some large amounts of time. They have now added another character for me to be. None of them are big roles, but they add up to about 8 costume changes total..... Thats almost as much as the leads if not more haha! Officially, I am Lady Anne, chorus, Nimue chorus, and Morgan Le Fey's court. I'm still working on that nursing homework.... because its kicking my bum..... I got an 85% on a test I took last tuesday. thats the class that I originally got 63% in..... so, greatly improved. The next test is monday and tuesday..... Monday in intro to prof. nursing.... the one I got a 90% in.... and the second test is for calculating drug dosages.... I have to get 100% in it or I have to take it again.... and if I fail three times I am out of the program..... plus if I get 100% the first time, I get an extra credit point.... I been racking those up lately! to date, I've gotten 9.... in my fundamentals class, and 3 in my other one.... so pretty much rocking it! and I'm getting three more tomorrow and 4 more on saturday..... so I'm sitting pretty with my grades in nursing right now. Phlebotomy is also not a worry for me.... I'm doing well in it, and choirs are easy as pie...... so here I am.... bored again with good grades..... people keep saying that nursing is hard...... and prepared me for the worst... I guess I should be thankful that it is 10 times easier than I expected. I also got accepted into PTK, the honor society at my school.... best take advantage of it now, as I will be getting kicked out in the next couple of semesters due to bad nursing grades in the future. just preparing myself.... I was talking to a second year student.... Who doesn't have time for anything.... They get clinical assignments the evening before and have to do HOURS of work on them.... Why couldn't they do the majority of it before hand? like not having to stay up until 3 am and having to be at clinicals at 7 am.... that does not make for the best nursing student! O well.... bah.... I'm going to go work on those drug calculations now.....

awesome....

http://perezhilton.com/tv/index.php?ptvid=2b951320ddf71

"I'm still breathing"

I realize I complain when other people don't blog often..... I also realize that I haven't blogged in 2 weeks and 2 days....... (depending on when this blog actually gets finished, it may be 3 days). I'm going absolutely mad. I also realize I'm really high strung and over exaggerate everything. But its been actually really bad lately. I have been freaking out about my tests in nursing. I took one for Intro to Professional nursing on Monday Oct 5th..... and I finished in about ten minutes. I'm one of those people that needs to get done really quickly so I get into the zone and start at the last question working my way back. Its like counting down, which is better than counting up. I don't know, I'm aware that its odd, but it works. So.... I finish my test (its online) and then I move my mouse to the submit quiz button. I hover.... and can't do it.... after a 63% on my first nursing test ever in my fundamentals class, I was terrified. So, I read it all over again and didn't change a single answer. 15 minutes after just sitting there staring at the button, i finally push it. I scroll past my wrong answers and look at my score. I am completely speechless. WHAT?!?!??! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? There absolutely had to be a mistake. I couldn't have scored that. It read 36/40 (90.00%). Plus we had a paper sheet with 4 bonus questions. I got three of those right. So.... really I got a 39/40 (97.5%). I almost died. WOW.... I was on cloud 359. And now I'm having a bit of trouble organizing the rest of my thoughts, so to keep up with my posting often, I will save the other days events for another post! Time to clean...... *grumble*

Week from hell is almost done!!! Thank you HIGHER POWER!

Last wednesday, during my riding lesson, Mighty (the horse) decided to be a complete jerk-head. First hes trying to eat through my pocket to get to the treats (ok that was my fault, whatever). So then, (this will sound backwards I know) when I'm trying to turn right to go to the jump, he is "falling" to the left. Into the wall. With my leg. A little painful, to say the least. So Thursday was ok.... kind of.... I had to sing and dance like a fool for homecoming coronation.... lame.... didn't miss stuff like that about choir. Anyways.... Friday..... ended up walking home 5 miles.... at 4:30 am.... got home around 6:45 and was supposed to be up and ready to go to the cities right after play practice (which was from 9 am to noon). Needless to say I'm sore (walked those miles in flip flops) and I'm exhausted! So I went to practice an hour late, and got home and showered and rushed. Then on my way to the cities (note I'm already running late), traffic is crazy and people are being stupid lane switchers. So the SUV in front of me slams on the breaks, I follow suit, and the car behind me doesn't. The SUV pulls up, I slam on the gas, and the car behind me bumps me. We exchange information, but everything looks ok. So I get to my destination a little late, but we make it..... Ok..... I don't walk around a whole lot because I hurt even more from sitting in the car for 3 hours. Sunday was ok, made some sushi with my sister.... and now I'm sitting in class, eating it.... haven't gotten any looks or comments yet so thats good.... go tune into her blog to see photos and more expanded explanations..... You know where she is, and if you don't..... stop stalking me you crazies! haha...... just kidding...... just stop lurking and tell me how to improve my study habbits...... Well.... I'm suppose I should really start to pay attention..... Have a better week than I am!

Why must people be so freaking mean?

So.... I had one of my best friends freak out on me today after having a very productive weekend. He then apologized and felt bad..... after I cried. I wish he would get someone who gets paid to take his shit out on. Yeah I'll listen to some of it, but I can only take so much along with all my own crap. I finally got ahold of the guy who *potentially* has my guitar. We talked about our problems and discovered they are remarkably similar..... only he is in a different position in the triangles we are in. Its odd and I'm kind of excited that we are talking again..... I'm still behind in my nursing homework, but I'm hoping to get this all sorted out soon..... doctors are my saviors! Kind of....... anyways..... other than that not much is really happening.... I'm thinking of joining a new gym.... One that is open longer than the curves I used to go to. So I could actually go during business hours..... Now.... if only I learned how to cook for one....... I hate that when I cook I end up with a million servings! And.... if it tastes really good it is constantly calling my name until its gone.... stupid food..... Well... I'm ganna get started on that homework thats so great..... Not!

One of those days....

This is one of those days where my emotions are all over the freaking map. It's really annoying. Like I want to just stop feeling completely annoying. And the spectrum that these emotions cover is amazing. I'd be a psychiatrists worst nighmare right now. I'm frustrated at how lazy I am, I'm completely in love, hesitant about being in love, terrified about being in love, annoyed at being in love, annoyed at the one I love, worried because I'm going to get yelled at about stuff this post contains even though I can't help it, tired, scared of school, etc..... really most of my emotions right now boil down to that whole love thing. Honestly wish I wasn't dealing with it. I'm watching Reba right now.... and there is something about "tangerine" being code for get out.... wish I could just say tangerine to love. I'm not one hundred percent sure I can handle the love with everything else happening in my life. I just don't know what to think right now..... and I can't even ignore it by playing The Sims 2.... oooooohhhhhhh greater power that someone believes in help me.

where is my life going?

Tuesday was my first nursing test. I'd really rather not talk about it, so instead I will focus on something else. Like the girl that informed everyone a friend of hers died an hour before the test, followed with the news that another friend is being charged with manslaughter. Ok..... that really sucks..... a lot.... hardcore..... Then we get the entire story. Her manslaughter friend decided to drive the dead friend home.... drunk..... She tried to make excuses like "he only blew a 0.09 and the legal limit is something like 0.08." As if that somehow makes drunk driving ok. It was only 0.01 over after all. No.... over is over.... Yeah if I'm speeding one mph over the limit, I deserve a ticket..... not that I wouldn't be pissed as hell if I got one..... I completely agree that her friend should go to jail for drunk driving. If he wouldn't have done that, her other friend would still be alive. But then I think..... the dead friend is a among the stupidest poeple on the earth for getting in the car and letting killer drive. I have no pity for any of the people in that situation. Which got me to thinking..... how will I be a nurse? If I had a drunk driver come into the ER that just killed someone, would I be able to care for that patient? I always feared that in EMS. Would I really want to save this person when they don't really care? Yeah yeah addiction is hard to beat blah blah..... but they CHOSE to drive..... as in get behind the wheel and put everyone who was driving's lives in the hands of some alcohol. Now lets remember alcohol isn't animate..... so it would be pretty hard for it to drive yeah? I just have no respect for someone who does that. which again brings me to the question..... would i do everything in my power to save their life? or would i just do all that was legally required by law and now try as hard as I should? Maybe I should just work in labor/delivery/ob/peds..... or something like that..... so... morale of today is.... if you suspect a driver is drunk.... call them in..... and if they have a whiskey plate (the plate that is W and some letters/numbers) they can be pulled over whenever where ever to make sure they aren't drinking..... so really just call it in.... potentially it could save a life......

I'm tired of shady.....

Why are the majority of my friends being shady? My best friend that I lived with in Utah all summer was completely ignoring me for the first 3 weeks that I was gone.... and today she calls me bitching about a mantoux test that got wacked out and resulted in cellulitis (spelling?). So we talked for about 40 minutes and thats the longest we talked in ages. Its really abnormal for us. Anyways..... so then I have this other friend..... we made plans to hang out last weekend a week and a half in advance. Thursday she tells me that she got scheduled to work saturday until 11 pm.... Fine, she didn't say anything about cancelling though! So I was planning on going to her house around 11 on friday after she got done with work. I tried to call and text her asking when I should be there. She finally gets back to me at 11:30 asking why I called and telling me that she was at her grandmothers house in another town! Well she explained that since she had to work so much, we were just going to reschedule. Then I come to find out she didn't work at all on friday! She was with someone else! I don't really understand why she lied to me. Its not like its a huge deal, but the lying bothers me to no end. Then I have another friend who is doing this hot and cold bit. I will hear from him all day one day, and then for like 5 days I won't hear a word even if i need to talk. Its driving me batty! So it would be wonderful if I didn't have such douchebags for friends......

Wow..... who knew I had so much to say!

So...... Adrienne Currie (spelling?) is getting a lot of shit for posting on her myspace/blog? somewhere...... She posted about Hurricane Ike's victims. She thinks they are completely stupid for staying in their homes after they were told to evacuate. Well, when the rescuers go in to save their asses, the stupids should have to foot the bill. Who wouldn't completely agree with that? Why should I have to pay for their stupidity? Duh...... Well I don't even know where to start with a post! I made sushi last night..... it turned out pretty well too! JG has officially eaten sushi and he liked it! I hope someone wants some more soon! it was fun! Anyways..... Nursing is officially kicking my ass! I'm so exhausted right now but i have a ton to read tonight before a test tomorrow! I am such a procrastinator...... So when I was revamping the blog I went through and read some old posts and holy hell was there a lot of dumb stuff! I can't guarantee that stupid things won't be said on here..... sorry..... But.... i suppose i should go read..... stupid stupid books.......

are you ready for some.... choir?

I have a fundamentals of nursing I test tomorrow..... at 11 am..... and here I sit.... In the choir room. I think I made a mistake. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like choir most of the time. But this specific class of choir.... I think it was a mistake. I should have just registered for the musical credits. Mondays from 6-8 pm I have "area chorale." People from around the area can come in and sing in a choir. Well I couldn't do voice ensemble along with the normal college choir, so for the one credit I needed, i did this choir instead. I've gone to one day, and I want to kill some members. Old bitties.... most of them.... but one in particular "grinds my gears"..... I'm guessing she is an instructor at a high school. Older, way fugly..... the usual. Ok, so us sopranos go of into the unknown of sectionals, and she takes charge. Only she is letting us sing the wrong note.... BOO HER! THE 2 COLLEGE GIRLS NOTICE IT! Anywho.... when we get to the end of another song (sectional over with).... there is a high note, a slightely lower note, and second soprano note. The choir instructor (the real one) usually doesn't like a really loud sound up top, they should "float." So who but high school music teacher jumps onto it like a cat onto a real mouse full of blood and catnip! (Morbid I know)..... DRIVING ME CRAZY this woman is..... and to be honest... she isn't that good......
Moving on..... As you can plainly see I've decided to start writing again after almost 2 years hiatus..... take all the old stuff off, put up the new..... YAY ME! new stuff all around.....
As for the Musical.... Camelot to be exact.... I am trying to get over my fear of everything and get some confidence. So, this is me..... in a musical...... on a stage.... dancing in a medieval dress...... Thank you very much, I'll be here all week! Yeah I'm kind of worried about it because we have to learn most of it on our own, no scheduled rehearsal times...... yeah..... and you should see the music..... itsl ike someone took plain computer paper and wrote it all in! with a pen.... free hand..... yes... rather annoying....
Well T-minus 10 minutes until choir starts so I best get the computer down off my lap and the folder of the lamest music ever onto it. The theme is Americana (which isn't america, duh).... ready? Buffalo gals won't you come out tonight? ........